It doesn’t come down to a justification of what you think you know about the truth. You can get to a place where you think you’ve figured stuff out and that you know how to know things, how to deal with things, how to anticipate things and that this thing called life is something you have complete control over. Forget everything you think you know about how things are going to work out for you or which track you are on and don’t hold on to the image in your mind of how it was supposed to be. Just let go and trust.
Some days are just plain awful. They are days that test you, that pull you out of yourself and make you reconfigure yourself again. No matter what you do, no matter what happens to you, let it empower you and keep you moving forward. Everything that happens in life is a lesson and it builds you into the character that you are going to become.
I am finding it especially hard to keep up with myself recently. It’s a little nauseating and I have grown tired of the Bertie Botts every flavoured beans variety of different emotions and feelings towards different things.
I’ve done a lot of soul searching this last week trying to figure out who I am as a person and what my true values are. I’ve looked back over past memories and seen patterns that seem to repeat. I know I play a part in some things, but there are also things I take responsibility for that I shouldn’t.
My main theme this week has been love. A topic that is my favourite and my least favourite all at the same time. It’s a topic I have been trying to get my head around since before I can remember. I inherited the hopeless romanticism of both of my parents. At this stage, I haven’t figured it out just yet so romantic love is in the "come back later" corner for now. What has been amazing this week is the kind of love that never fails you… I have been so cared for by people and it’s reassuring to finally be able to let my insecurities go that I have to always be happy bouncy joyful Hannah. I guess I have a huge fear of rejection and so showing the true state of my underlying emotion isn’t always my forte but I am getting better at this.
Sometimes you just have to let go and surrender to a really sucky emotion and reach out when you need it. Don’t be too proud to say you’re not ok when you’re not ok. Friends are there to help because if you’re a true friend to them then you will have done the same for them at some stage or have the intention to do so in future. It’s a beautiful thing when you can walk down the street one week on from hitting rock bottom and look up to the sky and smile and just shake your head and say, what are you doing to me.
I’ve had some weird coincidences this week, some things that are falling into place that make me wonder if maybe, just maybe, everything really does happen for a reason and something amazing is just around the corner because I feel excited, I feel weird, I feel different, I have this confidence back that I haven’t felt in a long time, I feel like the most exciting thing about this whole process of the last two years is that finally, I’ve come to love myself.
I am absolutely bananas at times, and I can be a lot to keep up with but I know how to laugh at myself and I still have that connection to my inner child where at the end of the day if it ends up being me alone again I can sit alone in a room and play. Wether it be dancing around like a ninny with my headphones plugged in pretending I am beyonce, writing dreams and manifestations of how my life is going to be, pinteresting ferociously so that all that I am is recorded onto digital boards or watching films and movies that make me think about situations from a whole new perspective again.
I guess what I am trying to get across here is that nothing lasts forever, emotions don’t, feelings don’t, situations don’t, so live in the moment. When things are going well truly enjoy them and when things aren’t going so well allow yourself to feel it and learn from it and take what you need and then put your dancing shoes on and create a new state.
What if instead of spending hours in the past missing memories, or wishing we could change things, we painted pictures in our minds of possibilities and chapters we haven’t reached yet that are going to redefine happiness for us. Slow down, take each day as it comes and take one step at a time enjoying the small things that come up along the way. Life is about the journey not the destination. Practice gratitude and smile :)
In the words of Taylor Swift “When I was drowning, that’s when I could finally breathe.”